While People Were not Watching the Game . . . .


George "Sneaky" Tenet was the best coach in the league for intercepting signs. No one completely understood his talent even on the rare occasions when he tried to explain, and that wasn't often. After all, circumstances change. With modern baseball's job insecurities and jockeying for advantage, today's teammates could be next year's opponents. Everyone respected Tenet, though, and when he said the other team was going to squeeze home a run, a fast decision was necessary.

"Don't look at the third-base coach. He's been doing this too long to give away anything. Look at the first-base coach. His eyes just popped out of his head. They're going to squeeze on one of these next two pitches. There's the batter touching his nose now. That's probably the acknowledgement."

The manager of the Oil Burners was George "Alfred E. Newman" Bush, a man who batted .53 in his big league career thanks to Al Gore standing still too long in left field on one of Bush's 19 official at-bats. Gore should have caught the ball, but the official scorer that day was a friend of the family, and the fly ball became a triple. Bush spent the next decade talking about third base. Now, thanks to a gift from Ralph Nader, the family acquired a baseball team, and Bush was managing. He had some success early, thanks to some great players left behind by the former manager, Bill "Chancre" Clinton.

"Hit him, that will stop any squeeze nonsense," Bush said.

All the chatter in the dugout turned to stunned silence. Jaws dropped. Everyone turned and looked at Bush, hoping to see some indication of a joke.

"Hit him, I said. Bean him."

The batter Bush was proposing to dust off was Hussein "Mad As" Maskharah. No one liked him. Maskharah was a bully and an opportunist. He had little ability as a baseball player, but was famous for stepping on other players, slinging his bat at the opposing pitcher, and refusing to slide going into any base. The other players called him "Mad As" because of his crazy ways. Maskharah routinely swung so that his follow through hit either the catcher or the umpire. At first base, his position in the field, Maskharah rarely bothered to catch pick-off throws. He just insisted the pitcher throw at the runner instead. The rumor was that "Mad As" punched out two teammates who tried to date his daughters. People laughed at the club's press releases when one of the rookies went on the disabled list with an "eyeball strain" and the other missed four games with a "smashed groin," but no one talked to the girls ever again.

Colin Powell, the bench coach, finally broke the silence. "I don't think we should bean him yet, George. Maybe we could just fake a pick-off at third base and then have the pitcher turn around real fast to see if the runner has left first like he's trying to get a jump."

"Oh, that play never works," Bush said. "The last time that ever picked off anyone was when the German team scared France into surrendering in the last Olympics. No. Bean the big creep. He tried to run over my daddy once in a playoff game."

"But he hasn't done anything yet," Powell said. "The umpire will kick our pitcher out of the game. It's the bottom of the ninth, and we're tied. Let's give him a chance to strike out."

"All the more reason to bean him now," Bush said. "Do you want the guy running over Prince Saud over there at first base? Hit him. Hit him hard enough to take him out of the game. And don't let me hear anything from Byrdbrain over there about it being illegal either. I want to hit that guy."

Richard Byrd woke up briefly and cracked a joke about the redneck who became a patrician.

Powell wanted to know what if the guy wasn't squeezing, and Tenet wanted to know what if the pitcher missed, but the tradition says to always follow the manager's orders, so Maskharah was dutifully beaned. Fans started throwing hotdogs and beer at Bush's players. In the confusion, the runner from third stole home. Tenet apologized and left the game after he realized the third-base coach had actually been flashing the "take" sign. Clinton and Nader wrote books, and Gore said "I told you so" in such a way as to put Byrd back to sleep. Bush claimed the team was safer and ordered the trainer to ignore the injuries to the pitcher, who was beaten by Maskharah's teammates. The arguments lasted long into the evening. The reclusive team owner, Dick "No Nickname Necessary" Cheney, had friends with Haliburton sell more tickets to the fight, and generous tax laws meant the fans in the stands could no longer afford to go home.

. . . and finally, people remembered they had a choice.